i need to get over you now

it is hard

because when we are together

it feels so right, but i know in my heart it can't be

probably ever,

i think it is cute how you sing the early november to ,me and hold my hand

but i could never trust you

so let's end it before it gets too hard to

easier said then done

it is cold out

and it finally feels like Christmas

and it is making me forget about how crappy things are right now

i have screwed up a lot of relationships recently and trying to get them back

is hard, but i am taking it one step at a time

i don't deserve any of it back, but i am going to try my best

so life right now, it is a mess but i don't think i would change anything, i have learned a lot about who I am and where i stand on a lot of things, i am a completely different person than i was 2 years, 1 year, even 6 months ago, a lot of it is sadly not for the better, and i am working on that, it is a daily struggle, i feel like i am barely alive a lot of the time, i feel so weak compared to what i was for my whole life,  i have lost and gained a lot of friends, and i have hurt a lot of people, i have realized that i can not please everyone in my life, which is what i had tried to do for so long, and that made a lot of people angry, because i never really was myself, i guess now i am the closest thing to myself as i ever have been, but that self, is very broken and lost, as i see it now, i am starting new, in search of who i am, i am getting tested for bipolar, this time because my mom thinks that i have it, and it scares me, a lot, i used to say i was, because it gave me an excuse to act like a dbag, but now i pray it is just something i am going through right now, it scares me because i have not treated my family well in so long, i am not honest with my mom about almost anything, and i yell at her even when she is being nice, i don't like the monster i have become, with lack of motivation, and much care for myself and others

that is all right now

i don't know that was just a flow of thoughts

Don't read this it doesn't say anything important, its just a lot of run on scentences of me complaing

so i don't really know right now, I don't really know who I am I think I have let myself slip so far from God that every time I try to come back I end up screwing up somehow and the first day of school, I walked in and wanted to walk right back out when I saw some people I don't know I just really don't like too many people anymore I hold standards too high I guess I need to just like everyone for who they are and not be so annoyed by the smaller things.  I guess it's easier said then done because, believe me I have been making an effort to like my old friends at school, some reason I am so unhappy with them.  I don't know who I am or what I stand for anymore, and it scares me because I used to be so shure.  I miss my Amanda Friberg, she had become my best friend the past few years, and we were seriously together all the time, and now she moved back to Sweden.  I got my license two days ago, and I already got in trouble for going to CVS without permission.  I honestly don't see the point in having a license when there are so many restrictions. And I really like this boy, but I have no clue how he really feels about me, or even if he knows how he feels.  When we layed together that night we just were there, we didn't have to say anything, just being there was enough.  No one has ever made me feel this way, and I don't know what it is, but I keep telling myslef not to like him, because he has a girl friend, but I can't.  And I can't stop thinking about it.  I just wish boys and girls were 100% honest with eachother, even if it meant someone got very hurt, because in the long run, it would be best for everyone.  I am a hypocrite tho because I can say, I am rarely 100% honest with anyone. This weekend was supposed to be really good, first I was going to go down to OCNJ with Britt but because it was going to rain, that got canceled, and then I was going to go to Hickory Run with Kat, Liane, Claire, Eric, and Cody, and we had it all worked out, but then their Mom decided to not let me come. so yea basically anyone I would want to spend the last days of summer with is either off at college, lives more than an hour away, is working, or is camping at Hickory Run. 

my best friend is moving

not to the next town over, next county, next state

but back to Sweden

and

she is moving the 20th so

she can't even come to Purple Door

what we have been planning since last year : [

and school starts soon

I really do not want to go back

at all

summer is ending badly